


Family

by LKKG



Series: SNAFU [5]
Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Happy Endings don't worry, Just me projecting my shit on them again, Peeks comes home after everything, angst again, feels so many feels, spoilers for chimera arc and on, tw for self destructive behavior
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-18
Updated: 2020-09-18
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:35:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26529835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LKKG/pseuds/LKKG
Summary: When he'd lost his first family, he had decided that he wouldn't live long enough to make a second. Then, somehow, he'd gained another.
Relationships: Kurapika/Leorio Paladiknight
Series: SNAFU [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1880113
Comments: 3
Kudos: 30





	Family

Kurapika had never expected to have a family. When he'd lost his first family, he had decided that he wouldn't live long enough to make a second. He'd expected to die trying to achieve his goal, and, if on the off chance he did succeed, he'd planned to end himself as a final act of penance.  
  
Then, somehow, he'd gained another. Leorio had become irreplaceable so slowly that Kurapika hadn't even noticed until it was far too late, and Gon and Killua had simply been dropped into his life and dug themselves in deep. They made life worth living, made him change his plan and his life and his goals.  
  
But then he'd fucked everything up. Again. He wasn't there when his family needed him. Again. Just because this time no one died didn't mean that he'd failed any less. He'd thought he'd been doing the right thing, finishing up the last of his task, ignoring any and all distractions, particularly the kind that made him content and happy, made his resolve shatter and his anger fade, made even his intense self-loathing dissipate until he almost felt like a human being instead of the monster he knew himself to be.  
  
But everything had fallen apart. They'd needed him. And he hadn't been there.  
  
He'd been... uncomfortable... after being gone for so long, a little ashamed of having left all the calls go unanswered and texts go unread, but the second he'd seen the look on Leorio's face when the front door opened before he'd even put his key in the lock, he'd known that he'd commited his greatest sin once more.  
  
He'd been too stunned to cry at first, the growing horror spreading like ice in his veins, his guilt incapacitating him entirely.  
  
And he'd sat there, in the darkened kitchen with his husband before him and his children, plus one that he hadn't known about yet, sleeping down the hall, listening to Leorio as he whispered, keeping quiet so that neither of their sharp eared boys would hear them.  
  
Leorio's voice had held no fury. That had been what had killed Kurapika. The weary acceptance, the numbness. Kurapika wanted him to shout at him, interrogate him, insult him, kiss him, beat him bloody and broken until his outward appearance matched his shattered soul, anything but just sit there looking tired and empty and apathetic. Leorio was fire, was rage, was passion, was life condensed and personified, and it was deeply, deeply disturbing and frightening to see him this way.  
  
And it was all Kurapika's fault.  
  
It wasn't, of course. From what Leorio said there was no possible way for Kurapika to have prevented what had happened. But his presence would have made everything thousands of times easier, both physically and mentally. And to Kurapika's already fractured psyche, that was enough to send him spiralling back into the dark pit of guilt and loathing and pain he thought he'd finally struggled free of.  
  
He'd been silent and completely still for three minutes after Leorio had finished his story before he finally moved. He'd stood, eyes remaining unfocused, and fled towards the door. His hand was already on the knob by the time Leorio caught up with him, a hand clamping firmly on his upper arm, the tightness of his grip betraying Leorio's apathetic outward appearance.  
  
"Where are you going." Leorio had ground out, his voice lower and harsher than Kurapika had ever heard from him before.  
  
Kurapika didn't know. "Anywhere," he'd said, like it was an answer.  
  
"No." The command in Leorio's voice startled him into panic induced submission. "No more running. You are going to stay and face this."  
  
Kurapika tried to take a breath, but couldn't get any air into his lungs. He was shaking now, full body spasms, his legs giving out from under him as he dropped like a stone to the floor.  
  
Leorio half caught him, helping to lower him down and away from the door, his hand shifting from Kurapika's arm to the back of his neck, pushing his head down between his knees with a little more force than was perhaps strictly necessary. Kurapika crumpled under Leorio's hand as thoughts passed through his mind, filling his head and body with agony. Then came tears, but he couldn't sob through his hyperventilation.  
  
Leorio let him sit there, head between his knees, gasping quietly for a breath that wasn't coming, hand against his neck for what might have felt like an eternity if Kurapika's brain had been getting enough air to process the passing of time.  
  
Then Leorio spoke. "I don't know why you did what you did, but it was inexcusable and you know it." Leorio grabbed a handful of Kurapika's hair and pulled his head up gently until Kurapika made eye contact. "You are going to do exactly what I say and nothing more. Nod if you understand."  
  
Kurapika tried to nod around his shudders.  
  
"You are going to calm down. Then you are going to leave and find a hotel room nearby. You are going to text me the address and room number, then shower, then get in bed and sleep until noon tomorrow. After that I'll come to see you with more instructions." Leorio grabbed Kurapika's chin and made him focus on his face. "You will do exactly this and nothing more. I choose your penance, not you. You don't get to punish yourself for this. You don't get to run again. You don't decide whether we should want you back. You don't get to make any decision for us. Do you understand?"  
  
Kurapika hesitated. Did Leorio know what he'd been planning the moment he'd seen his husband's face as he opened the door? He didn't want to agree, he wanted to hurt himself, he wanted to disappear because his family deserved better than him, better then this monster that he was, he didn't deserve to be forgiven and he didn't want to be, and everything hurt, hurt, hurt, he couldn't breathe he couldn't breathe he couldn't breathe-  
  
"Do you understand." Leorio said again forcing his attention back with a tug from the hand in his hair. "I call the shots now. You will do exactly as I say. Do. You. Under. Stand." He ground out.  
  
Kurapika was petrified, rooted to his spot by the look on his husband's usually open and friendly face. He gave in, jerked his head forward in response, then closed his eyes in surrender.  
  
"Good," Leorio said. "Now breathe."  
  
He said it like it was easy, like Kurapika hadn't been trying, and failing, to do just that for minutes, like he could remember how, like he knew what having his lungs full felt like.  
  
Kurapika tried to take a real breath and failed. Then tried again. And failed. He repeated the process another half dozen times before he finally managed to get any significant amount of air in any one inhale.  
  
After that first success, the rest came a little easier, until Kurapika's brain finally got enough oxygen for him to start thinking properly again.  
  
Leorio noticed his breathing easing up, and asked, "calm now?"  
  
"No, but enough." Kurapika whispered hoarsely.  
  
"Do you remember what I said for you to do?" Leorio asked.  
  
Kurapika nodded, then tried to stand. The first time he tried, he didn't make it even halfway before his legs gave out from under him, nearly collapsing on top of Leorio, who barely caught him. The touch of Leorio's hands against him seemed to burn him, but his legs were so weak he had to stay put for a long moment before he could try to stand again. It took him another three tries before Leorio gave in and yanked him standing, leaning him against the door until his legs stabalized.  
  
"In the morning, I am going to have a very long conversation with the kids. Your future as a part of this family will be decided then. In the meantime, go rest. You will not try to punish yourself. You will not run. You will not reach out to anyone other than me. You will sleep, you will eat, you will shower, you will do nothing else without my permission. You will not disobey. Understand?" Leorio reiterated.  
  
Kurapika nodded, slouched against the door. He took another breath, his lungs aching and his eyes stinging, the beginnings of a migraine settling in between his eyes.  
  
"Good. Now go. I'll come to see you tomorrow and we'll talk."  
  
Kurapika nodded again, then opened the door and stumbled out into the night.  
  
He walked down town, the cool air stinging his lungs, but he relished the pain out of habit. He found a hotel fifteen minutes later and checked in, ignoring the concerned looks he received from the person at the front desk. He entered his room, texted Leorio the details he'd asked for, then stepped into the bathroom to shower, pointedly avoiding looking at himself in the mirror. He knew exactly what he looked like; something between thin and skeletal, dark bags under reddened eyes, hair a rat's nest of greasy strands; bruises, scratches, abrasions standing out on his pale skin. He hadn't looked this bad in a long time. Not since the first few months after his people... he'd learned quickly that people didn't look at him as much if he took decent enough care of himself to pass as normal. He'd made sure to at least groom himself, learned very quickly how to use concealer, and wore clothes that disguised how thin and scarred he was. But these past few months had been... different. He'd been so close, he'd focused only on the goal and given up everything else. Everything... else.  
  
He showered with his eyes closed. He was used to that, had had many years of practice doing so and in many ways it was easier than actually looking. After eventually deciding to get out, he barely dried himself off before pulling out the shirt he'd been sleeping in for months, but stopped before pulling it on.  
  
It was one of Leorio's.  
  
All at once, his guilt hit him again like a runaway train, bashing through his carefully constructed calm, leaving his breath ragged and his hands clenching the shirt in a desperate act of will to keep him from doing something worse with them. What exactly his hands itched to do he didn't quite know, but it wasn't on the list of things Leorio had told him to do. For whatever reason, he couldn't bring himself to disobey his husband. Fear? Guilt? Pain? Desperation? Love? Hope? He didn't know. Maybe he never would. So for now he forced the shirt over his head, slid on a clean pair of boxers, and got into bed.  
  
He was convinced he would never fall asleep, between the headache, nausea, and his thoughts reminding him constantly exactly what he was and making suggestions about what he should do to himself and others as punishment, claiming to know what his family, both new and old, thought of him. But he focused on the darkness of the inside of his eyelids and instead chose to repeat the list of things he was to do, his husband's face appearing in his mind to match the words, and somehow sleep crashed over him.

Leorio started to shake as soon as the door closed behind his spouse. It had finally happened. Kurapika had returned. Leorio had been mostly sure that he would, had refused to believe that there was any other possibility.  
  
At first, he'd planned to be angry, shout at him, maybe hit him (Leorio did NOT support domestic violence, but his spouse had hurt their CHILDREN goddamn it and NO ONE did that without serious consequences, usually in the form of a beating they wouldn't soon forget). Then the anger had been replaced with desperation, and all he'd wanted was to have Kurapika there, with him, to shoulder this burden and help him and their kids and just be there so that the next time someone asked him where Kurapika was and why he wasn't there, Leorio would actually have an answer. He'd been willing to forgive ANYTHING just to have his spouse there beside him. But even that had faded as the apathy set in, his mind and body shutting down in a well intentioned, but belated, response to the immense stress, and all that he'd been left with was pain and three broken children who had experienced too much for anyone to deal with, let alone people of their ages, which he somehow had to support and protect and heal on his own when he could barely function himself.  
  
By the time Kurapika had reappeared, he'd planned to simply determine where Kurapika had been, and let the boys handle everything else. He'd just been so /tired/...  
  
But then.  
  
He'd been laying on the couch, pretending to try to sleep even though the damn thing was at least a foot and a half too short. He'd pretended that he'd given up his bedroom so Alluka could have a room to herself, but the fact of the matter was that he hadn't been able to stay in that enormous, empty bed for months before Alluka arrived. It hurt too much, too strong a reminder of how empty his home and heart was. From his spot on the couch, he'd heard a car pull up, then idle, then the door open and close and he'd been on his way to the door before he'd consciously recognized that it was a cab. Then he'd opened the front door and...  
  
There he was. Looking like shit and startled and his eyes had immediately gone scarlet and /stayed/ that way even before Leorio had told him what had happened. He'd watched as Kurapika's eyes had gone unfocused and his body froze and the emotion empty out of his face. He'd seen that look before, once, the first time he'd seen Kurapika after the anniversary of the day he buried his people, and the memory of that day and the night before still filled him with ice and fire and fury and deep seated, unshakable fear.  
  
When Kurapika had thrown himself at the door, all Leorio could think of was that night, and his intense need to prevent that from ever happening again overwhelmed everything else.  
  
Watching Kurapika fall to the floor in the throes of a panic attack also trigged flashbacks of too many hours spent holding Kurapika as he shuddered through a nightmare, but as much as it hurt to watch, Leorio could feel the anger growing within him again. But he knew that whatever he did, whatever punishment he might want to inflict, Kurapika was already planning worse and would continue for longer than Leorio would ever want him to.  
  
So he did the only thing he could think of: he pulled in all the authority at his disposal and pushed, because as angry as he was, he would be damned if he let Kurapika hurt himself because of this.  
  
And to his surprise, Kurapika submitted. Despite his stubborn and self destructive nature, Kurapika had agreed to do as commanded, and Leorio could tell that he would keep his word.  
  
But for all his bravado and his false certainty, Leorio didn't know what to do now. Everything he'd bottled up came pouring over him, and he slid down the door, putting his face in his hands, tears he'd been unable to shed finally slipping free.  
  
"Fuck," he half-sobbed.  
  
"Dad?"  
  
Leorio looked up, swiping at his eyes as if he could erase all traces of his tears. Gon was standing in the hallway, Killua a little bit behind and shooting a glance at the door to the room Leorio and Kurapika had shared, where Alluka was currently staying.  
  
Gon crossed the room and sat down next to Leorio, careful of his casts, throwing his good arm around him and burying his face into Leorio's chest. Killua was a bit more subdued, but followed suit.  
  
"What did you say to Mama?" Gon asked after a moment.  
  
Leorio took a deep breath but couldn't stop the flow of tears that spilled past his lids.  
  
"I told them to go spend the night somewhere and that the three of us would talk about what we want to happen now." He pressed a kiss to the tops of both of their heads, and continued. "I know that we're all...upset... with Kurapika right now, so I want you both to think very hard about how you feel and what you want from them."  
  
Both boys were silent for a long moment. Even Killua seemed to be taking this seriously, which was exactly what Leorio needed right now.  
  
Killua spoke first. "I'm angry with them for not being here for Gon. And for not being here to help with rescuing Alluka. I'm really, really mad at them."  
  
"Okay," Leorio said.  
  
"But..." Killua continued. "They're the best mom I've ever had."  
  
"Yeah," Leorio said.  
  
There was another moment of silence, then Gon spoke.  
  
"I miss them."  
  
That was all he said. No anger, no frustration, no resentment, just a simple fact.  
  
"Me too, kiddo," Leorio said through another wave of tears. "Me too. So...what should we do now?"  
  
"I want my mom back," Killua said, sounding more confident than Leorio could even imagine feeling at the moment. "But I'm not willing to just forgive and forget."  
  
Leorio nodded in agreement.  
  
"Aunt Mito always says that we shouldn't just say sorry when we do something wrong, that we should also do something to make up for what we did, and that what we do should relate to what we did wrong. That way both people can heal. So I think that to make up for being a bad mom, Mama should come back and be the best mom on the whole planet forever."  
  
Leorio and Killua just stared at Gon.  
  
"What?" He asked, perplexed.  
  
The other two looked at each other, then back at Gon.  
  
"Dammit, kid," Leorio said, a slight smile slipping across his face. "You're too damn good. Don't ever change." He slid his hand into Gon's hair and pulled him against his chest. Maybe he was still a little immature, a little naive, but damn, the kid deserved the last few traces of innocence left to him after this hell. It was more than enough that he was able to be happy at all after all this. "Killua?"  
  
His white haired child leaned against him again, thinking for a long moment. "I guess that works for me. But I expect chocolate, LOTS of chocolate. And I want them to take Alluka shopping and do everything Alluka wants. Everything."  
  
"You don't need any more chocolate than you already have, you brat," Leorio said, the gentle tone of his voice removing any sting the words could have, although both of them considered "brat" to be a valid term of endearment.  
  
"Of course I do. I can't ever have enough chocolate."  
  
They bickered for a few minutes, some of the pain and tension diffusing at the familiarity, leaving them all feeling that they might actually be kind of okay after all.  
  
When the conversation died down, Gon spoke again. "What about you, Dad. What do you want to Mama to do?"  
  
Leorio's arms, one around each of his boys, tightened around them for a moment, then relaxed. "I... I'm not sure."  
  
"You're worried," Killua noted. "Why?"  
  
Leorio was quiet, then aksed, "how much of our conversation just now did you hear?"  
  
"Not much," Gon replied.  
  
Leorio took a deep breath. He'd hoped that he wouldn't have to be the one to have this conversation with them, had hoped that maybe, if they were lucky, they wouldn't have to have this conversation at all. "Kurapika isn't good at handling...this kind of thing. They always feel responsible for everything that goes wrong, and they take a lot of guilt upon themself for things. They haven't always... handled... that guilt well."  
  
Killua spoke first, a little too quickly, a little too easily. "Did he cut?"  
  
Leorio sighed. Damn brilliant kids. They were always too intuitive for their own good. Every parent's greatest blessing and greatest curse. "No, not exactly.. But they used to do things that they knew were dangerous sometimes, things they knew would get them hurt. Get in fights, take unnecessary risks, that kind of thing...and then sometimes they wouldn't take care of their wounds properly, or would purposefully keep them from healing or make them worse. Before we got together, I made them promise not to do that anymore and they kept their word, but..."  
  
"You're worried they'll do that again now?" Killua asked.  
  
"A bit, yes. I made them promise again not to, but... I know the guilt will still be there. He might try to hide it, but it'll be there."  
  
"Then we'll be there for them," Killua said, Gon nodding in agreement. "Cause we love them."  
  
Leorio started crying again.  
  
"Jeez, old man, stop being so damn emotional, it's lame," Killua said, but his eyes were a little wet too. Only Gon remained dry eyed.  
  
"Thank you both for being adult about this. You deserve to know about all this and to be a part of this decision, I hope you aren't mad that I made you decide..."  
  
"No, thank you!" Gon said. "So... do we get to see Mama tomorrow?"  
  
"Do you want to?"  
  
"Yes," both boys said simultaneously, without any hesitation.  
  
"Okay. I have to warn you though, they look like absolute shit, and I'm not sure how they'll react to seeing you, but I can go get them tomorrow afternoon and bring them back here."  
  
Gon grinned, and Killua hugged Leorio again. "Thanks, Dad," he whispered, and Leorio smiled and held him a little tighter. Killua didn't often call him that to his face.  
  
Gon disentangled himself from the pile, then started trying to drag Leorio onto his feet.  
  
"Come on you two! I have an idea!"  
  
Leorio and Killua stood and followed Gon, who poked his head into the bedroom Alluka was in. "Hey," he said. "Alluka! Do you mind if we all come sleep here tonight?"  
  
Alluka rolled over and squinted at him as he turned on the lights. "Okay," she said sleepily. "But I get to lay next to my brother!"  
  
"Okay!"  
  
Alluka moved over to make room, and Killua crawled into bed next to her, followed by Gon, then Leorio, who promptly wrapped one arm over all three squirming children, his heart feeling a little more full.

Kurapika woke at three in the afternoon, completely disoriented, to the sound of someone pounding on his door.  
  
"Kurapika?"  
  
It was Leorio's voice, tinged with concern and anxiety, loud enough to be heard, though he was clearly still trying to not disturb others.  
  
"Coming," Kurapika responded, hopefully loud enough to heard. He struggled out of bed, his entire body aching, his mouth dry, and crossed the room to the door. He unlocked and opened it while trying to rub the sleep out of his eyes.  
  
Leorio stepped inside a little too quickly and his hands on Kurapika's shoulder gripped a little too hard.  
  
Kurapika was too startled to speak as Leorio looked him up and down, concern painted over his face. "Why didn't you respond to my texts or when I knocked?"  
  
Kurapika struggled to think over the exhaustion still drowning him. "I... I'm sorry? I was sleeping, I just woke up-"  
  
Leorio dropped his hands to him side and stepped back. "Oh," he said. "Sorry," he pushed a hand through his hair and looked away.  
  
Kurapika stared at him for a moment, recognizing the worry and fear on the love of his life's face, then said quietly, "I didn't do anything. Just showered and then fell asleep. I swear. I /swear/."  
  
"I believe you," Leorio said, still not looking at him, reaching to grab a shopping bag he'd left outside, then closing the door. "Here. I brought you food. You're going to eat it all and I'm going to watch."  
  
"Um...thanks," Kurapika said, taking the offered bag and walking over to sit on the bed. He pulled out a tupperware, a fork, and a bottle of electrolyte and mineral enriched water. Opening the tupperware, his hands stilled. Inside was his favourite meal, a recipe he'd remembered from his childhood and had managed to recreate with food available here. He'd never specifically taught it to Leorio, so he had no idea how it had come to be in his lap.  
  
Leorio cleared his throat and said, "it's just some leftovers I had lying around. I figured out the recipe from trial and error. Took twenty tries but I finally got it."  
  
Twenty... Kurapika had only been gone four months. He'd had to have made it every week...  
  
What had Kurapika done?  
  
Kurapika swallowed, a wave of guilt and pain a fraction of what it had been the night before washing over him, swallowing him whole and eradicating any appetite he'd had. "Thank you, but I'm not hungry," he said, setting the lid back on top of the container, hands beginning to shake.  
  
"No," Leorio said. "None of that. You are eating that right now."  
  
Kurapika closed his eyes against the oncoming nausea. "I can't."  
  
"When was the last time you ate?"  
  
Kurapika took a few heartbeats longer than he should have to answer. "Two days ago."  
  
"And what did you eat that day?"  
  
Again, a few too many seconds passed. "A sandwich."  
  
Leorio was silent, waiting for more, but when it became clear that was all the information he was going to get, he said, "and that is exactly why you are going to eat everything in that container. We're not going home until you do."  
  
Kurapika's eyes shot open. "I can... I can go home?"  
  
"Only if you eat." Leorio flopped himself down on the chair by the desk, getting ready to wait as long as it took.  
  
Kurapika didn't think he deserved to go home, but Leorio said that's where he was going to go, and Kurapika had surrendered entirely to his husband's will. He wasn't rational and he knew it, and if his family demanded something of him, he would do it, no matter what it was.  
  
He looked down at the food in his lap, and removed the lid again. He picked up the fork, put it in the food, lifted some out of the container... and stalled. Whatever decision his brain had made, his stomach hadn't caught on, and was still warning him if he made any move to put food inside himself, his stomach would make him pay. The only thing he could swallow right now were the whispers that told his to eat anyway, that he deserved the burn of acid eating away at his throat. So he sat there, food halfway to his mouth for a few seconds before sighing and putting the fork down.  
  
"Um..." he said softly. "I'm sorry, but... is there any chance you have something with you to... help settle my stomach? I can't..." his shoulders hunched and he kept his eyes nailed to his lap.  
  
Leorio moved, pulling a small bottle of antacid tablets out of his pocket. "I thought you might need them again," he said as explanation as he set the bottle into Kurapika's hand.  
  
Kurapika expected Leorio to go back across the room, but he didn't, sitting down beside him, about a foot and a half away. Shooting a glance at him, Kurapika dished himself out two of the tablets and put them in his mouth, chewing slowly before forcing himself to swallow.  
  
The antacid kicked in a few moments later, and Kurapika slowly and cautiously began to eat. He only took a few bites at a time, but once he'd determined that he could keep it down, he actually began to savor the food, though he was still desperately fighting back the voice in his head that was shouting at him what exactly it was he should be doing instead. Almost an hour later, he closed the empty tupperware and put it back in the bag Leorio had brought, then finished off the water.  
  
Leorio hadn't spoken all the while, just stared at the wall in front of them. The silence was more uncomfortable than awkward, neither of them clear on what was between them anymore. "Are you ready to go?" Leorio asked now, breaking the silence that had leaked into every corner of the room.  
  
Kurapika nodded. Yes, he was a disaster; yes, his hair was a mess; yes, he was still wearing only his husband's old shirt and a pair of boxers, but he refused to put this off any longer. His children deserved an explanation, they deserved their chance to yell and scream at him, hell, maybe Killua would attack him, put those assassin skills to good use after all this time-  
  
Kurapika pressed his nails into his palm hard enough to sting. No. Those thoughts weren't allowed. Not anymore. Leorio wouldn't want him thinking that. He took a deep breath, then stood and gathered his belongings, followed Leorio outside, and returned the room key to the receptionist, once again avoiding their concerned look as he and Leorio left. The drive back was painfully silent, Kurapika readjusting himself to a time when he couldn't place a hand on Leorio's leg while he drove, couldn't turn the radio on to a station he knew Leorio didn't like so they could bicker before eventually switching over to one they both enjoyed. Kurapika mainly focused on silencing the thoughts, the bad ones that came unbidden and made him want to jump out of the car and run and do all sorts of things he knew weren't allowed. He kept his hands fisted tightly in the excess fabric of his shirt, worrying it between his fingers to keep them occupied. They pulled up in front of the house, Leorio swinging the car into the driveway, jumping out as soon as the car was in park and heading towards the door, leaving Kurapika scrambling behind him. They crossed to the front door, which Leorio opened and entered through before Kurapika could catch up with him.  
  
The only thing that got Kurapika through the door was sheer willpower. Most of his brain was screaming at him to bolt, that this was his last chance to make a run for it, and it took everything he had left in him to ascend the steps and cross over the threshold. As soon as he was inside, Leorio slammed the door behind him, startling Kurapika for a half second.  
  
Nothing could have prepared him for what he saw when he turned back towards the middle of the kitchen.  
  
Gon was sitting at the kitchen table and Killua was already out of his own chair. But what caught Kurapika's eye were the bandages. Both boys were /covered/ in them. Gon had his left leg and right arm in casts and Kurapika could see the gauze around his ribs under his tanktop. Killua had a bandage taped to his cheek and another above one eye and Kurapika could see the shape of others even from under the long sleeve turtleneck he wore to conceal them.  
  
Kurapika's legs gave out and he collapsed, landing heavily on his knees. If it hurt, he couldn't tell. For a second there was nothing except a wrenching pain his chest, then arms were wrapping around him as a sob wracked his body.  
  
His mind went blank except for desperate mantra of "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry" and he didn't even realize he was saying it aloud until he got a mouthful of hair, some brown, some white, and he was suddenly aware that he was holding his boys, and that more importantly /they/ were holding /him/. He didn't deserve this, didn't deserve them, but he wanted them, in his arms, safe and alive if not well, and now that he had them there he selfishly wanted to keep them. They deserved better, he knew that to the core of his being, just as he knew he would never be worthy of them, but he had never wanted anything as much as he wanted to be with them, to stay with them now. And so against every rational thought in his mind, against every fragment of his being that told him to take responsibility and do what would be best for them even if it broke him, he stayed there, on the floor of their kitchen, clinging to his boys, one hand on each of their heads, holding them close as he sobbed and shuddered and spluttered his apology to them, for leaving them and being gone and not protecting them and for coming back at all and for all the fear and sadness and pain that he hadn't been able to prevent. But he had no way to put this revelation into words, so all he could do was continue repeating "I'm sorry."  
  
"Shh, Mama," Killua said against Kurapika's neck.  
  
Kurapika took a strangled breath and tried to silence himself.  
  
"We're not mad." Gon said.  
  
"You-" Kurapika choked out. "You should be. You should be, you should be, you should be-"  
  
"We can feel whatever we want and we're not," Gon replied. He pulled his head away a little, sending a flash of white-hot panic through Kurapika, making his fingers spasm in Gon's hair, nails digging into his scalp to keep him from moving too far away.  
  
It wasn't until he saw the smile on Gon's face that he realized that Gon wasn't trying to leave or get up or even pull out of the hug but instead just see his face. Kurapika's fingers loosened their deathgrip and started to stroke gently over when his nails had bit in, apology and comfort in one instinctive response.  
  
"We're not mad," Gon repeated one last time. "But we need you to do something for us."  
  
"Anything." The word tumbled out of Kurapika's mouth without being processed beforehand. "Anything, anything, anything-"  
  
"You," Gon interrupted again, "are going to stay here now and be the best mom in the entire world, forever."  
  
Kurapika's brain, which arguably wasn't in the best state at that moment due to lack of oxygen, exhaustion, and high hormone levels, stalled.  
  
"You got that? You're going to be the best mom ever. You're going to give Killua lots of chocolate, but not too much because he'll make himself sick, and you'll make us do our chores and you'll take us to school in the morning and you'll yell at us for staying up late and you'll give us all the hugs and kisses we want. And," he added. "You're going to be the spouse ever for Dad and you'll make him iron his own shirts and make sure he doesn't forget anything and you'll yell at him when he does something dumb and you'll miss him when he has a late shift and you'll get up to make him coffee when he has an early shift even though he says you don't have to. You're going to stay and be exactly like you were before you left. Okay?"  
  
Kurapika couldn't think. "Anything," he'd promised moments ago. And yet...out of all the things in the world that Gon could have asked for, he'd chosen the most difficult. But Kurapika had promised, and for whatever else he did, whatever else he had fucked up beyond comprehension, he always, always kept his promises.  
  
"Okay," he croaked, and Gon beamed at him before burying his face back into Kurapika's neck, mirroring Killua.  
  
They sat there for what might have been days or hours or minutes or an eternity, but eventually Kurapika's face dried and his breathing evened out and his embrace became more gentle and Gon stirred. "Mama," he murmured.  
  
"Yes, baby?" Kurapika said, pressing a kiss to the top of his head, complete mental and physical exhaustion leaving him with an odd sense of peace.  
  
Both boys pulled away from his neck and shot each other a look that suggested that mischief was afoot.  
  
"What?" Kurapika asked.  
  
Killua shot him a smirk that usually sent every adult in the vicinity checking for their wallets and valuables.  
  
"You still have to meet Alluka."

The next five minutes were simultaneously the most embarrassing and most healing in Kurapika's entire life.  
  
He'd been dragged, confused, from the kitchen floor and into the living room where his husband and a small, dark haired girl were waiting. When they entered, the little girl, Alluka, stood and crossed to him, looking a little shy but not phased in the least by his appearance.  
  
"Hello," she said as Gon and Killua ran off and lept onto Leorio's lap. "My name is Alluka. It's nice to meet you. Everyone has told me so much about you."  
  
Unprepared for this meeting and mortified that it was happening under these circumstances, Kurapika stammered. "H-hi. You must be Killua's little sister." Killua had only mentioned Alluka a few times, but Kurapika knew from his research on the Zolycks who she was. "It's lovely to meet you too, I'm sorry for..." he wasn't sure exactly how he planned to finish that sentence, but it turned out he didn't have too, since Alluka moved forward and pulled him into a hug. For a moment, Kurapika's arms flailed in surprise, them he collected himself and put them around her, returning the embrace. His eyes met Leorio's across the room and he silently pleaded for an explanation. Apparently everything that had happened hadn't broken their parent-to-parent telepathy bond, since Leorio seemed to understand exactly what he asked.  
  
"While you were away I took guardianship of Alluka, like you did with Killua. As of next week when the paperwork is finalized, Alluka will be legally a part of the Paladiknight clan."  
  
"Oh," Kurapika said as Alluka pulled away. "Welcome then."  
  
Alluka grinned sweetly then ran off to join the boys.  
  
"Uh," Kurapika started hesitantly. "I could use a minute to... clean up. A bit. May I...?"  
  
Leorio looked at him, eyes flashing with emotion Kurapika couldn't quite put his finger on. Then he stood and ushered Kurapika out of the room and down the hall to their bedroom. Inside, Kurapika could see a small pink backpack resting against the foot of the bed. "I let Alluka have this room," Leorio said before he could comment. "It only seemed fair."  
  
Kurapika nodded. Leorio pulled the door closed behind them and sat down on his side of the bed. Kurapika took that as permission to move through the room and he crossed to his dresser to find something more... appropriate to wear. But when he opened his shirt drawer, he stilled. His shirts were all there, but moved, not folded the way Kurapika always folded them, how they had been when he'd left, but rather in the crisp, sharp way Leorio always folded his own.  
  
Tears started pouring down his face again, and he bit the inside of his cheek to ground himself and not be lost to the wave of whispers.  
  
His shirts had seen use while he was gone, and Kurapika had buried his face is his husband's clothes enough times, seeking the last traces of his familiar and comforting smell, to know how and why.  
  
He frantically put up a temporary mental block to keep him focused on the present and what he was supposed to do. He would process this later. But he couldn't keep the tears from slipping down his face as he changed into a new shirt and a pair of jeggings.  
  
Distracted by his cascading thoughts, he crossed to his bedside table unconsciously. It wasn't until he'd reached it that he realized he may have overstepped. He may have made his peace with their children, but his relationship with Leorio was still clearly on the rocks. Now wasn't the time for that conversation either since they were expected back in a few minutes. So there he was, hesitating, trying to figure out if he could put on his second wedding ring or not, but looking down he realized that he didn't have a choice anyway. The bowl where he always kept his nice ring while he was away for work was empty.  
  
He knew it had been there when he'd left. He'd triple checked it. He hadn't left the house without having Leorio check it too. He never did. It was one of the only material possessions that he put any value on at all and he would lose the finger he wore it on before he lost the ring itself.  
  
So where the fuck was it?  
  
Could he ask Leorio? He wasn't sure he was even allowed to wear it with his marriage in the unstable, undefined place it was and oh lord was he even allowed to keep his work ring? Leorio was still wearing his so it couldn't- it couldn't- it couldn't be-  
  
Kurapika grabbed his arm and dug his nails in. He didn't intend to draw blood, didn't realize he had until he felt it warm and wet on his fingers. But it did what he needed it too and let him shut out the voices again as he stepped away from the nightstand and walked, maybe a little faster than he needed to, out of the room, keeping his hand over his arm to try to cover the wound from Leorio as he fled to the bathroom. He knew it wouldn't work, but it made him feel a little more in control.  
  
He was right. Leorio followed him as he left the room and stood in the doorway of the bathroom while Kurapika washed his arm and hands and face, taking a short glance in the mirror to see if he was even remotely presentable. He passed the inspection, but barely. He opened the medicine cabinet to grab the little first aid kit they kept there, but Leorio snagged it before he could.  
  
"Sit," Leorio said, gesturing at the toilet. Kurapika did as instructed, uncertain about what was happening. Yes, Leorio was clearly about to patch him up again, Kurapika had long since given up trying to fight him about this and it had been years since he'd been cleaned or bandaged one of his own wounds while at home, but things were...different, off, and for the life of him Kurapika couldn't figure out where the new lines were.  
  
"You didn't break your promise, right?" Leorio said softly as he knelt down in front of Kurapika, barely audible even though they were so close.  
  
Kurapika looked down as he held his arm out, watching the blood well in the divots his nails had made. He really needed to cut them, now that he was thinking about it. Trimming his nails was on the list of self care activities he'd ignored while away.  
  
"No," he replied. "I didn't mean to, I was just... overwhelmed. I forgot my nails were so long."  
  
"Good."  
  
They were silent as Leorio applied antibacterial cream and band aids. It wasn't until he was done that he spoke again.  
  
"I have your ring," he whispered, his voice shaky, like he was confessing his greatest sin. He reached up and under the collar of his shirt and pulled out a chain, Kurapika's ring dangling from it. "Having it made me feel... less alone."  
  
Kurapika's stomach turned and bile rose in his throat. He swallowed hard. "I understand," he croaked, the bitter, burning taste still slipping onto his tongue. He steeled himself, drawing in all the courage he could muster. He knew the kids were waiting for them, knew the bathroom door was open and that this was probably not the optimal time for this conversation but he needed to know where they stood. "Leorio," he said quietly. "I know... I know what I did. And I know that the kids want me to be in their lives but," he couldn't stop, he needed to continue because if he didn't get the words out now he never would, "but I don't have to do that here, I can go somewhere else if you want me to, I can go. Gon said I have to be the best spouse to you but if you don't want that, if don't want me here, if-" his voice broke. "If you don't want /me/-"  
  
"Enough." Leorio voice was pitched low, a command that came out like a threat and was enough to make Kurapika's mouth slam shut so fast he nearly bit his tongue. Leorio's gaze flashed up to his face and Kurapika couldn't look away. "Sorry," he said more gently. "I want you. I want you here. With me. With us. I forgive you. I'm sorry I wasn't... clear about that. This is... this has been so hard. But it's over now. It's all over. And you're here now. You're back. And you're willing to work for this, and that means... so much to me. To all of us. But I'm still, I'm still so... scared."  
  
"Of what?" Kurapika whispered, transfixed and petrified and brutally shaken by whatever this was that was happening.  
  
"That you'll leave again. That you'll run away or-" Leorio cut himself off. "Or that you'll break your promise. Your promises."  
  
"I won't. I /won't/. I swear on the blood of my people, I /won't/."  
  
It was the same oath he'd made as their wedding vow, the same one he'd made when he swore he would never hurt himself again, and the same words he'd sobbed over and over into the freshly tilled earth as he laid each one of his people to rest.  
  
And Leorio knew it.

Leorio knew it. He knew that Kurapika did not speak those words lightly and that they were unbreakable and irrevocable. Kurapika would keep their promises until the day they died.  
  
He looked up at his spouse. Kurapika's eyes were scarlet; they had been since he'd shown up in the middle of the night. They hadn't been wearing their contacts, but Leorio would have known even if they had. He'd always been able to tell. And Kurapika was beautiful, tear stained and messy haired and clearly in so, so much pain it nearly broke his heart to see it, but beautiful nonetheless. And most importantly, they were here. Here and going to stay.  
  
He slid his fingers up the chain to the back of his neck and undid the clasp, pulling the ring off the necklace. He held it for a moment, running his fingers over the ridges of the inlaid gemstones, shapes he'd become intimately familiar with in the last months, then reached out and took Kurapika's left hand, sliding the ring back where it belonged. He didn't need to look at Kurapika to know what they were thinking, the strangled sound they tried to hide was just icing on the cake.  
  
"Kurapika, don't. I know what you're thinking. You deserve this. You deserve me. You deserve us. You won't believe me and I don't care but you will listen. Whenever you feel like you don't belong, whenever you feel like you... like you need to punish yourself, you talk to me. Everytime. You come talk to me. Okay? Promise."  
  
"I promise."  
  
The words were sniffled out quietly, but Leorio kept his eyes on the hand in his, watching the light glint off the rings on Kurapika's delicate finger.  
  
"I know this will be hard for you. That being here will be hard for you. That being with us will be hard for you. But we need this. /You/ need this. So we can take this as slowly as you need. We can do this day by day, hour by hour minute by minute, whatever you need."  
  
"Leorio." Kurapika's voice was so broken that Leorio could barely understand him and from the way he was gasping, Kurapika was one badly timed breath away from another panic attack. "You don't," he hicupped. "You don't understand, I'm not... I don't deserve this, I don't deserve any of this, I'm a-"  
  
"You're not a monster."  
  
Leorio could hear Kurapika suck in a startled breath.  
  
That day Leorio had found Kurapika in the bathroom, the day he couldn't talk about and probably never would, Kurapika had been delirious from blood loss and had whispered "I'm a monster," again and again and again as Leorio cleaned and patched him up. The next day he'd made Kurapika promise, and they had never spoken about it again, but Leorio remembered. He /remembered/. G-d how could he ever forget.  
  
"Kurapika, baby," he finally lifted his gaze to his spouse's eyes, overflowing with tears and shining crimson, and he reached up to cradle that stupidly beautiful face. "You're not a monster. You're human. Just like the rest of us. You can't keep holding yourself to different standards than you do us. You can't. It's not fair."  
  
"But I-"  
  
"No buts. You are human, you are just like me, just like the boys. You're not a monster. You never were and you never will be." Kurapika tried to pull away, but Leorio kept his grip firm. "Look at me. You. Are. Not. A. Monster." He enunciated each word with as gentle an intensity as he could. "Would I ever lie to you?"  
  
Kurapika stared at him, struggling.

Of course Leorio would never lie to him. But he was a monster. He /knew/ he was. He'd hurt people, he'd killed people, he'd let his family and all his loved ones die and be hurt and his sins were an ocean he'd drown in for the rest of his life. But Leorio wouldn't lie to him. He never had. His whole life he'd never encountered anyone as honest and open as Leorio. Leorio had never lied to him before and never would. So it must be true, but it couldn't be true, but it must be true.

"You're not a monster," Leorio reiterated again. "Would I lie to you?"  
  
Finally, Kurapika shook his head. "No," he whispered.  
  
"So what are you?"  
  
Kurapika took a stuttering breath. "I'm human."  
  
Leorio moved his hands away from Kurapika's face and wrapped his arms around them instead. "Yes. You're human. You're human and you're loved and you're deserving and I'd never lie to you."  
  
They stayed there for a long while, Kurapika's face buried in Leorio's neck, sobbing, then crying, then sniffling, then just breathing as Leorio stroked the back of his head in long, soothing passes.  
  
When Kurapika finally went silent and still, Leorio turned his face towards Kurapika's head and pressed a kiss over his ear. "I love you," he whispered. "I know you love me too. And I know that you don't feel like you can say it right now, so you don't have to. Because I know." Then, slowly, Leorio released Kurapika, smoothing his hair behind his ear as he looked into Kurapika's eyes, red from crying but finally gray again. "Let's wash your face again and then go see what the kids are up to, though from the smell I think it's a safe bet that they've started dinner. Bet you ten bucks they're making mac and cheese."  
  
Leorio watched a wave of pain crash over Kurapika, their eyes flaring red, but then it receded, and Kurapika gave him the most tentative smile he'd ever seen.  
  
"I don't take losing bets."


End file.
